Quantum of Solace

I have seen Quantum of Solace only once, months ago. So why shouldn't I review it?

Quantum of Solace is a direct sequel to one of my favorite movies of the year it came out, Casino Royale. I believe it is the first direct sequel that the Bond series has produced? Anyway, I loved Casino Royale, and was prepared to love QoS, especially after the awesome trailer(s) came out.

QoS picks up in the middle of a car chase wherein Bond's clearly very expensive car gets pretty well trashed. One of the doors gets blown off or torn off. Then Bond gets to M and silent guard and we find out he's been carrying Mr. White, the guy Bond shot in the leg at the end of CR, which, I don't think I have to remind you, was awesome. Anyway, they question Mr. White re: Who? Why? and he tells them that he is a member of Quantum, a super-secret super-evil group of guys who are "everywhere." Including, it seems, the silent guard, who Bond kills. But Mr. White escapes and he either dies or is never heard from again.

Then Bond is all I Have to Avenge Vesper's (the Bond girl from CR, she was totally hot and is now totally dead) Death By Taking Down Quantum Because Her Boyfriend Was Involved With Them and M is all Whoa, Step Back. So Bond goes Rogue. He finds Vesper's boyfriend and stops the new Bond girl (Olive-Skinned Brunette) from being given to a big ugly dude who clearly would rape and then kill her by driving a boat really fast and throwing a hook in the other boat because Daniel Craig's Bond is badass.

It turns out that the CIA (played by bearded LeVar Burton from CR and Phillip Seymor Hoffman from Charlie Wilson's War) is in dealings with Vesper's boyfriend, who, I should point out, is totally scrawny and kind of looks like a wet puppy or someone whose books were pushed from his hands ONE TOO MANY TIMES. And so the CIA lies to M about knowing who he (the boyfriend, now called Wet Puppy) is and what he is up to. What he's up to is stealing water and/or oil from impoverished nations and making them pay for it or making the US pay for it or something through his Evil corporation called Green Planet or something. So Bond goes to his fundraiser and meets O-SB and it turns out the guy who she was going to be given to killed her family and she's pissed Bond stopped her from killing him. Then they go to South America and meet LeVar Burton who wants to help Bond and also they meet Gemma Atkinson doing her best Christina Hendricks impression and she dies after Bond has sex with her because he possesses within himself Horror Movie Cliche Syndrome. LADIES IN BOND MOVIES! DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH BOND! is the message here. Wet Puppy drowns her in oil apparently and then puts her on the bed or drowns her while she is on the bed via Localized Drowning. This upsets Bond.

Bond and O-SB go in a plane and crash right next to this compound Wet Puppy has set up where he controls all of the water and is now a dictator or has put the guy who was going to rape and then kill O-SB in power. All of the points are coming together? There was also an opera in there somewhere, but all Bond does is identify who the people Wet Puppy (Dominic Greene! HaHA, I rememebered!) was working with are and we never see them agian. Anyway, Bond blows up the compound and captures Greene, but not before O-SB kills the guy and has a flashback and is unable to do anything but Cower and Weep so Bond saves her. Then Bond takes Greene to the middle of the desert and gives him a can of oil to drink if he gets thirsty because remember that girl who was in the movie for like five mintues?

Then Bond goes and kills Vesper's boyfriend. The end!

QoS is way shorter than CR and makes no sense. I don't know why, after people said CR was like the best Bond movie Evah, they made the sequel way shorter. People will watch more than two hours of Bond, Movie Company. That way you don't have to introduce characters and then expect us to care for them when they are killed minutes later. Controlling the water supply is interesting, but one village thirsting for water does not a compelling argument make. Yes, even when that village at first appears to be unconnected from the rest of the movie. Agh, way to disappoint me, QoS. Way to not fulfill your promises for a mourning Bond, driven by grief. Way to make Quantum of Solace mean Quantum the HUGE EVIL THING. Way to go.

Consider my expectations exceedingly lowered for Daniel Craig Bond #3.

Two sad Bonds out of five.